anima animus spiritus

anniversary

2006-09-15T13:02:00.000-07:00

this week was 29th birthday and what would have been my 4th wedding anniversary. i love the changing of the seasons from summer to fall, but as a result of my breakup nearly two years ago, this time of the year seems inseparable from a lingering darkness. i don't share this to generate anybody's sympathy or pity; if any such feelings should arise as you read this i would ask you direct those feelings into a prayer as that is certainly the only positive use for them. my reason for writing about this is in attempt to make sense of my feelings; to reconcile my pain with the character it has produced in me. as much as i feel ive changed over the past two years i have to admit i am a bit impatient with the pace and depth at which this change has occurred. i feel like i am a different person, but the old me is still very near by, on a shelf within arm's reach; and i pick it up from time to time when my desperation becomes too irritating. my back is still stripped with the lashes of desire. i feel like im somewhere in the midst of a race and my legs are burning and i want to quit, but i know there is nothing in store for quitters so i consent to finishing. my consolation is that even the Saints were such only because of how aware they were of the chasm that existed between themselves and God. in light of this it makes sense that two years of healing has made me more aware of my brokenness than ever before. being aware of my own sickness is hard. so many people pretend to be healthy that it has become the status quo. for those of us who have been kicked out of the illusion we feel homeless. im glad that jesus said that he came for the sick and not the healthy. this is how i know he loves me when it is hard for anyone else too.

greatness

2006-08-20T20:32:00.000-07:00

I woke up the other day with a Jeff Anderson song in my head; which I must say is a pleasant way to start your day. As I got out of bed I thought to myself, how much I would like to record an uplifting worship album that would bless people. In immediate response I heard God speak to me in the small voice in my mind and he said, "You will not bless anyone by what you do or what you create, you will bless people because of who you are." I understood this to mean that being a blessing to others is the result of being the person God has called me to be, and that my accomplishments are not as important as the character that develops in me while following God's will. It is about obedience and faithfulness to God; following him first and only my dreams as he places them in my heart, and even then for his glory and not my own. Greatness in not earned by attaining earthly status, but in allowing oneself to be transformed in to the likeness of Greatness.

bumperstickers

2006-07-25T15:52:00.000-07:00

"It God's responsibility to forgive BinLaden, it ours to help him make that apointment." USMC

seriously, thats what it said. aparently whoever thinks of slogans for the Marines has never actually read the Bible.
alternatly...

"War is not ProLife"

I like this one, despite the fact that its drenched in popular liberalism. Think about it for a second. When did we randomly decide that the Bible teaches double standard? Certainly when Jesus said all that stuff about loving your enemies and praying for those who persecute you he just meant other Christians; the people we see on Sunday morning. What he forgot to mention is what we all know, that a government should never be run acording to his teaching because we would be invaded, our houses burnt and our cars stolen. Either Jesus forgot to mention this double standard or maybe he's just not to be taken so literally. i mean he's a great guy and all and he can get you in heaven, but he doen't really understand how things work in the real world.
do you realize how insane this is? do you not think Jesus was particularly bright? he is GOD. he knows everything. Can we trust him with our cars, our houses, our country? I think the better question is, would we willingly give up all these things in a second if he asked us too?
what does the the United States of America hope to gain by securing its place as the world's leading superpower? Certainly not the Kingdom of Heaven.

brontosaurus

2006-07-20T18:05:00.000-07:00

most famous of the dinosaurs
greco name means thunder lizard
a herbivore grazing planes
digestion aided by a gizzard

you may have traveled once in herds
nomadic clans of the jurasic
enormous tails swung in defense
gentle giant dino classic

in movies longneck Little Foot
you set our saurus loving hearts aglow
Transformers' Sludge the Dinobot
and in song by ELO

originally a fabrication
by Othniel Marsh in presumptuous haste
a borrowed skull from Camarasaurus
to lead the paleontologist's race

some say you're really Aptosaurus
and these men of science may ignore us
but your fans will express in chourus
to us you're allways Brontosaurus

R.I.P. Waylon Jennings Starcher

2006-07-07T12:23:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Waylon Jennings Starcher left this world to live in some special place God has prepared for his creatures. A recurring bladder obstruction made it necessary for him to have an expensive surgery that still could never guarantee his permanent well being. The difficult decision to put him to sleep was made by his mom, Jessica Starcher. Please, keep her in your prayers during this difficult time. Waylon was loved and remembered for his affectionate disposition and his insatiable appetite for attention; his thumbs, and his crossed eyes. He was the first cat I ever loved as if he were my own. We will miss you Baby.

Please feel free to leave you thoughts and prayers as comments to this post.

one word for...

2006-07-07T08:39:00.000-07:00

A Beatles Moment
Originally uploaded by daniel starcher.

these lists are fun and often revealing. This one was lifted from word on
the street is

yourself = known
your partner = unknown
your hair = faux-hawk
your mother = stable
your father = gentle
your favorite item = larrivee
your dream last night = interesting
your favorite drink = ale
your dream home = concrete
room you're in = mine
your pleasure = creating
your fear = failure
where you want to be in 10 years = there
who you hung out with last night = sammy
what you're not = finished
your best friends = empowering
one wish list item = 30d
your gender = boy
the last thing you did = showered
the last thing you ate = bagel
your life = ascending
the last person you talked to on the phone = pflug
who are you thinking of right now = myself

Dan at the Midnight Cafe

2006-07-06T16:02:00.000-07:00

Dan at the Midnight Cafe
Originally uploaded by fensterbme.

Our selfishness is like a monster living inside of us. It pains us unless we feed it, yet it is never satisfied. In fact the more we feed it the larger its appetite becomes. We harbor and care for this monster from our birth, and unless we know Love –which is its nemesis- we may never know any greater pleasure than feeding the monster to avoid the pain. The degree to which we know love is the degree to which we experience pleasure without obligation to selfishness. Painful as it may be, the monster will eventually die if we starve it. Torturing us from the inside, the monster will wage a battle of will. Love is our only weapon empowering our will to endure pain and starve selfishness rendering it increasingly weaker. In time, Love will endure; because it not the opposite of selfishness, but its antidote.

untitled

2006-06-29T20:41:00.000-07:00

woke this mornin feelin lonely
woke this mornin all alone
i'll return to you my lover
in your arms where i am known

i have wandered long from your room
i have wandered far from home
please forgive me, i'll come quickly
back to you my precious one

now the sun hangs high above me
riverside i kneel to drink
thoughs of our young love together
wet my tounge and my sorrows sink

as i enter the town of my youth
friendly faces on the main
familiar places seem to wisper
love has brought you home again

evening settles down upon me
walkin down that country lane
a million crickets all procaliming
you'll taste your lover's kiss today

late at night i see your window
i see your house up on the hill
wherfor someone you've left the light on
for me i hope your love burns still

my heart is beating like a drummer
steppin onto your front porch
wonderin if i should have come here
before i knock you open the door

oh, lover, lover I adoroe you
tell me do you love me still
my eyes look down before you answer
allways have and allways will

when you touch me I feel human
when you touch me I'm alive
let our union not be broken
ever with you i'll abide

Christian!

2006-06-22T14:13:00.000-07:00

The meaning of the term “Christian” is ambiguous these days; I think if you went out into the streets and interviewed people you would get all kinds of different responses. I wonder if most people who call themselves Christians would agree on their communal identity; let alone how people outside of the Christianity view us. The ironic thing about being a Christian is that we have exactly what the world needs, but we don’t market it as such. We Christians let our fellow humans see our moral superiority, our exclusivity, in some cases out wealth and political influence; all the things that they can attain on their own more easily without the help of a Savior. Seriously, who wants Jesus when he appears to give us nothing more than a cheap imitation of the things we can get on our own. If we want to be attractive, rich, influential, or respected it makes more sense not to take on the baggage of Christ’s teachings. If you have ever read the gospels you know that Jesus said things like “blessed are the poor in spirit” and “turn the other cheek.” Now how is teaching like this ever going to help you get ahead in this dog eat dog world?

That is a very good question to consider, because I think the answer you get when you seriously look at Jesus’ life and teachings is, “It’s not.” Jesus never meant for us to succeed in this world because this world is messed up. He came to start a new world, with a different set of rules; that treat everyone according to their inherent worth rather that their performance. This is what the world needs and this is what we have access to when we get to know Jesus. This is the Kingdom Jesus talked about and it is exactly what we Christians are so reluctant to let the rest of the world see.

Why are we holding out on people? I heard someone say once that what we do is what we believe. So if what we do is try to justify ourselves to the world through politics, science, wealth, whatever, than we must believe –at least in part- that justification is not found in God alone. And then if we do not introduce people to Jesus’ Kingdom, where there is healing and restoration, and true peace and love, we must not believe –at least in part- that God is not going to deliver as promised. We don not trust him because we do not know him; and if we don’t know him can we really call ourselves Christians?

I love what Thomas Merton says in The New Seeds of Contemplation about Christianity being a revolution. He says that the full truth of Christianity has been revealed in the man Jesus Christ but no one has fully understood it or lived it. So to follow Jesus is to begin a perpetual state of death and resurrection that propels us towards unity with God. We can be sure then, that once we feel like we have “got it” we most certainly have not; and that “getting it” is a place somewhere in midst of acknowledging our inability to get it.

Saved!

2006-06-22T14:10:00.000-07:00

Some thoughts after watching the movie “Saved”.

Following Jesus is less about what philosophies or doctrines we subscribe to and more about what we do and how we treat one another. God did not send his son to earth so that we can have a club to join or a springboard for our own broken religious ideas. Jesus is not a platform to lift us up in font of others, winning their praise and acceptance. He didn’t come to start a religion, but rather to start relationships. He is actually the one being in whom we can experience complete acceptance and security; as we are no strings attached. People set up conditions for acceptance. We Christians say we love everyone but what is the application of this? It is not love if we only include the people who include us. That is co-dependency. Love is always giving without questioning. It is identifying ourselves with those who are hurting, because we hurt; and doing what we can to dress their wounds. When we know love –that is to know the one true God who is love- we know that our needs will be met by our God, and that we have no need to be in want for anything. When we realize this truth we are freed from our attachment to ourselves and can attend to the needs of others.

When we find ourselves in community with others who realize this truth our needs are also met through our relationships with other people. Here our motivation is not the expectancy for others to do the same for us, but expectation of God’s provision. We can give without expectation of return from other people and we can not be disappointed when people do not treat us the way Christ instructs us to treat them. Our security is in knowing that God supplies whatever we need, either thought other people or directly from his hand. The greatest way to live is like a bird eating out of the Creator’s hand.

If you have seen the movie “Saved” you might remember the scene where Mary is returning home from visiting Planned Parenthood. She stops in front of a church building with a cross on the side facing the street. With her hands open she looks to the cross and bears her heart to Jesus. “Shit…fuck….God damn.” She defiantly speaks. She feels like God has tricked her. She realizes her social status and image is ruined. She has no one and nothing to hide behind and she is exposed before God. I love this scene and how it plays out. In time she may realize that she misunderstood God’s message and in fact He had not forsaken her; but in the moment she felt betrayed. In the end of movie everything works out. Mary has her baby. Hillary Fay is reduced to tears and realizes how much pain she caused people. Maybe I like this scene so much because I have been there. I have been in that place where I felt like an ass for believing like I did; for thinking I could trust God. And like Mary I realized down the road that my slump was in fact due to my impatience and verdant relationship with my God; that God did in fact have plans for my life and that they we completely other and wholly more beautiful than I could have ever imagined them.