anniversary

this week was 29th birthday and what would have been my 4th wedding anniversary. i love the changing of the seasons from summer to fall, but as a result of my breakup nearly two years ago, this time of the year seems inseparable from a lingering darkness. i don't share this to generate anybody's sympathy or pity; if any such feelings should arise as you read this i would ask you direct those feelings into a prayer as that is certainly the only positive use for them. my reason for writing about this is in attempt to make sense of my feelings; to reconcile my pain with the character it has produced in me. as much as i feel ive changed over the past two years i have to admit i am a bit impatient with the pace and depth at which this change has occurred. i feel like i am a different person, but the old me is still very near by, on a shelf within arm's reach; and i pick it up from time to time when my desperation becomes too irritating. my back is still stripped with the lashes of desire. i feel like im somewhere in the midst of a race and my legs are burning and i want to quit, but i know there is nothing in store for quitters so i consent to finishing. my consolation is that even the Saints were such only because of how aware they were of the chasm that existed between themselves and God. in light of this it makes sense that two years of healing has made me more aware of my brokenness than ever before. being aware of my own sickness is hard. so many people pretend to be healthy that it has become the status quo. for those of us who have been kicked out of the illusion we feel homeless. im glad that jesus said that he came for the sick and not the healthy. this is how i know he loves me when it is hard for anyone else too.